Cleverly Tackling a Wife/Girl-friend…

I get all nettled when I see most men going clueless about tackling a woman, especially if this unfortunate creature happens to share a long-term romantic relationship with her. I have seen some men who would more readily volunteer to watch ten vijay movies back-to-back seated in front row than mess around with his woman when she has a tantrum. All his efforts to get the problem to end soon makes him wish he could turn himself into a superpower Tortoise coil for women and incapacitate her with just his fumes! For these true warriors whose battles never end, whose praises never get sung, who are forever in the delirium of dealing with the maiden’s madness, I have now set upon a task of providing the knack of going about a woman’s emotions.

Fore warned is fore-armed. It always helps to expect a problem than be surprised by it out of the blue. Certain words announce trouble much before it actually arrives. “your mother”, “your-sister”, “your house”, “that girl”, “lonely”, “sad”, “no-time”, “Am I beautiful”, “love me?”, “respect” and only a thousand other words that you will come to know later. When you hear them, simply know that the cyclone may strike anytime and prepare yourself. Be careful though, opening the subject before she does will only fetch an additional night of battle and an extra desire to be the ultimate tortoise coil.

Once she has started talking about the problem which might or might not have anything to do with you, bring on to your face that look which you reserved for the times when you were a student, gazing earnestly as though you were the next Einstein, while all the time dreaming of Katrina Kaif or being a Sachin Tendulkar in your mental bio-scope. And for heaven’s sake look at her instead of the model on the TV. After you have this look on place, now listen to her.

What can be said in one short sentence according to you, she will begin to say in excruciatingly painstaking detail. After ten sentences is the point were you will most likely take up the suicide mission of uttering these fatal words, “matterukku vaama…”(Come to the point)..many a great soul has signed his divorce warrant with just these two ill-chosen words.

If you utter this curse on yourself, the problem, whatever it was originally, is now a personal crusade she takes up against you. Yet she will not declare the war immediately. She will simply say, “listen..” and begin all over again with greater details right from the colour of the dress she wore when such and such an incident happened and the stain on it and the shop in which she bought. No, she does not bother about your itching to facebook your thoughts on the upcoming match tonight.

After she deliberately repeats the scenario twice and you still are the same moron, repeatedly trying to cut her short, she will now raise her voice and come close to a scream, but not exactly scream – that comes later when you begin offering her solutions to the problem. This is two-three notches less than a scream, she will say, “you don’t understand…”. Since most men are fools as is proven by the fact that only a few are bachelors, You will now say you perfectly understand the problem and force her to precisely tell the problem in a single statement just so that both of you can be clear! A medical equivalent to this situation is Third-degree-burns!

When she complies with you and tells you the problem, You heave a sigh of relief and sport a triumphant smile and awaken the super-man sleeping within. However complex the problem, to you the solution is so simple, “Get up early and you dont have to hurry…”, “Don’t talk to your sister if she makes you feel bad..” “My mother can be changed very easily if you do these simple things…”, “Exercise and become fit…” “Use fair and lovely if you think you are dark..” .Oh, the length and breath of all the solutions you can offer!!

This is the point when she says, again, “YOU NEVER EVER UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS!!” Only thing is, it has become a blood-curdling scream now. And you are equally pissed off!! Here you are, saving the wretched creature from her own problems with such brilliant solutions, trying to make her feel better inspite of the facebook status and what do you get in return? Phew!! Women!!!

Well, dude!! For starters, you will do better if you will kill the superman within when a woman comes to you with her problems. She is not talking with you so that you can give her solutions and instantly make her feel better. Infact you dont have to help her at all, if you are giving solutions like (*rubs wound on shoulder), “actually my people are very good people it only takes a little bit to convince them” and so on…

Get this into your head…‘Problem’ in a man’s world is different from what it is in a woman’s world. You guys go crazy when faced with a problem and are like Anna hazare on a fast unto death for janlokpal, until you find a solution to that problem, implement and make the situation better. Where as all that your woman wants when she comes to you with a problem is a nice sounding board. She wants to talk! how simple can she get!!? She just wants to talk! But you have to make it all complex by becoming a I-know-it-all,-stick-with-me-baby,-i-will-make-it-better.

And all the while she hears only one statement behind all your brilliant solutions, “your feelings are not valid” And a woman, any woman, goes crazy when you invalidate her feelings.

The reason lies in biology. Man, his primary need being power, is concerned with solutions. Woman, her primary need being relationships, is concerned with establishing bonds.* Talking builds bonds. When you nudge her to come to the point, you are disturbing a biological process to bond with you and thus frustrate her. And, no, she does not get to see the divine love you have in wanting to make her feel better. All that she sees is the unforgivable sin of making her problems look small.

The female brain, it seems, simulates a feeling akin to the one of having the problem solved, merely by talking about it in great detail. The problem is very much still present, but Ahhh.. the mystery of nature, the woman can deal with it effortlessly or will simply be not bothered about it any longer and move on to the next one if only she gets to talk with her beloved.

Adipaavigala… Am I then doomed to go on listening to her meaningless banters at one thirty in the night?

:) After the bonding processes are over unhindered by your “come to the points” she will no longer trouble you.

So my warrior friends, the next time your girl begins talking something with you, dont commit the crime of invalidating her feelings by calling them silly. If you are a chronic problem solving addict, please wait at least until her emotions sober up before you give her a taste of your brilliance. Simply have that Einstein look on face and punctuate her with “Oh!s.. Ah!ss… “You must have felt terrible!!s.. and finish it off by taking her closer… (If you are married that is ;-). You will reduce your trouble-time to 1/10th.

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Well… I guess… the west has found a workaround for this. Gay Marriage… LOL.
It should only be appropriate if men are made to read and sign an agreement to this effect of your article during (straight) marriage, but again we (innocent) men are very short sighted and wouldn’t take in the full effect of that agreement. You go this way, you are doomed. You go that way, you are still doomed.

Will you be writing a sequel to this on ‘cleverly tackling a boy friend/husband’?

@DS
😀 working on the sequel as you suggested.

hhhm it will be a great … both together ….

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